The Healing Marathon

A Lesson in Trauma Informed Parenting

As a recovering control freak, I’m going to be vulnerable and tell you all that I was not loving being a parent until I realized, embraced and accepted the fact that I could not control my kids. In hindsight, I realize my three beautiful boys really mirrored and triggered a lot of trauma responses in me stemming from my childhood. Being a wife & mother were always dreams of mine and those dreams came true. However, my dreams of being a patient, understanding & compassionate wife & mother were shattered due to the toxic effects PTSD had on my emotions. I now realize, I was doing the best I could because of the impact trauma had on my body, brain, emotions, autonomic nervous system, etc. I have learned my anger & irritability I displayed to my husband and children were displaced due to my trauma. Unknowingly, they were triggering my “automatic anger response” hardwired into my brain from living in an unpredictable war zone – one that many people who have lived with an alcoholic parent understand.

When my emotions were no longer manageable and I could see that I was repeating the same anger my dad projected towards me, I sought help! After being appropriately diagnosed and medically managed for PTSD, ADHD & anxiety, I was able to enter therapy with a more calm brain ready to start processing my emotions. I also started Christian guided meditation using an app called Abide and pursued a relationship with God. Tackling my mental health in a holistic way enabled me to learn the tools to control my emotions. Proper identification of trauma was vital for my healing. The validation of trauma was essential because It helped me identify my “false beliefs” or “lies” that were programmed into my subconscious from years of emotional abuse & physical abuse. You see, every time my dad said something awful to me, beat me, ignored me, yelled at me, showed me transactional love, didn’t tell me he loved me, didn’t said he was proud of me, told me an A- wasn’t good enough, it should have been at least an A, or he didn’t give me a choice or an opportunity to speak, I started forming negative thoughts. Thoughts like:

“I’m not good enough.”

“I’m not worthy of love.”

“I have to prove myself to be loved.”

“I don’t measure up.”

“I have to be perfect.”

Pervasive, repetitive thoughts become beliefs so deeply embedded into your subconscious that you can’t possibly imagine where the lie ends and the truth begins. My dad tried to control me and everyone in the house. But, God gifted me with a heart that seeks justice. I knew at a young age that despite the fact that the Bible tells you to respect your father and mother, a line used against me several times to justify his behavior, I knew that the scripture went both ways. So, my defiant behavior towards my dad was just seeking justice for what I knew was right.

Because of the tumultuous nature of my childhood and the dysfunction in the home, my emotions were stunted at an early age. I wasn’t allowed to communicate how I felt. My emotions didn’t matter. His goal was to control me. The more he tried to control me the more I would fight back. I wasn’t even allowed to cry when I got a spanking I didn’t deserve. If I cried, he would respond with, “I’ll give you something to cry about.” And the spanking would be harder. I remember as a young girl using all of my might, grunting and bearing with God like to strength, to hold in tears. Red faced and gritting my teeth to hold back feelings that would lead to getting spanked harder. (I haven’t thought about that for a long time so I’m crying as I picture that little girl).

So…my lack of control in my childhood gave me an insatiable desire to control environments in adulthood. Then I get married and have kids. The most maddening thing about parenting for a perfectionist control freak is this…you cannot control children! Through my healing marathon, I realized I was trying to control little humans who were created by God. God, our creator, designed humans to have FREE WILL! We were designed to make our own choices.

I didn’t have a lot of choices when I was younger. I couldn’t choose my parents. I couldn’t choose for my dad to stop drinking. I couldn’t choose for my dad to stop beating me. I couldn’t choose for my dad to say “I love you”, “I am proud of you”, “You are perfect to me”, “You are enough”. I couldn’t choose how my dad would parent me. And because I couldn’t choose, I now craved CONTROL.

But just as I didn’t want to be controlled, neither did my children. They were crying out, exhibiting aggressive behaviors, having epic meltdowns, shutting down, retreating, etc. And I was not only controlling their behaviors, but then I would try and calm their emotions without trying to get down to the bottom of why they were feeling that way. I realize, instead of allowing their normal children behaviors to come out and guide them into making the better choice, I was trying to control them. I was taught kids should “respect you” because you are the parent. My roll as a parent was to demand respect, just as my father did. I thought I earned respect just by giving birth to my children. My dad taught me “because I said so” was the way to parent. He took away my autonomy as a child. He took away my power to choose so I was not familiar with the idea of giving your kids choices. The seeds of Satan were planted in me and here I was planting those same seeds of Satan in my children.

What does not giving choices to your kids speak to your kids?

“I’m not seen.”

“I’m not heard.”

“My opinion doesn’t matter.”

“I’m not important.”

“I’m not loved.”

Children are humans just like adults with the same brain…just not fully developed. When someone tells me “I have to do something” as an adult…I feel very stifled, restricted and honestly, I want to scream a little bit. I don’t like being “told what to do”, and neither do kids. They don’t want to be forced to do anything. My pediatrician gave me great advice when I had my twins. He said…

“Abigail…you have to understand 3 things about babies that will make your life a lot easier. Number 1, you can’t make a baby eat. Number 2, you can’t make a baby sleep. Number 3, you can’t make a baby pee or poop on the potty. If you remember those 3 things, your life will be so much easier and more peaceful.”

A wise pediatrician in Louisville, KY

His advice actually helped greatly when my boys were infants, young toddlers, before they learned to talk and started really developing minds of their own. For me, parenting during the infant/baby/early toddler stage was a breeze compared with what the next phase would bring.

FREE WILL STAGE

The next stage I now affectionately refer to as the “FREE WILL” stage. The “FREE WILL” stage happens when kids realize they have a mind of their own, just as God designed each one of us. This free will stage happened at a time in my life where I didn’t have the tools that I have now. I hadn’t started becoming intentional with God and my healing. So, when I was met with the resistance of the “FREE WILL” stage, I starting losing control over the children. When they were babies, it was easy to calm them. I would rock them, hold them, feed them, and nurture them. An infants basic needs are usually very easy to meet. According to http://www.medicine.net, there are 3 types of infant cries: hunger cry, sleep cry and a colic cry. I would like to add a fourth…the dirty diaper cry. If they cried, I had a 1/4 chance I could get it right. Those are pretty good odds for parenting. There was no defiance to my requests in infant stage. I was a patient mom to my children before they entered the free will stage. I saw them as innocent and helpless. I have even been referred to as a “baby whisperer” because babies never rattled me…but I now realize it’s because I felt like a baby inside that just wanted to be held, coddled and told everything is ok. I wanted someone to rock me and tell me that they would take care of me. I could provide the basic survival needs to my children, but when their needs became more complex, I could not meet them where they were. When my children cried as babies, I did not experience the same anxiety that would cripple me as they entered the free will stage…the stage they realized they had minds of their own.

What does this free will stage bring? Once children realize they have a mind of their own, they now want to do whatever they want when they want. They learn the word “NO”. They can throw the food off their plates. They can walk, crawl, and get into things. They can stick their tongues out, hit, slap, bite, kick & spit. They can talk back and say things, “I don’t like you, Mommy.” They are trying to assert themselves and become autonomous.

Why would they be so brazen? How could these little humans think they can do whatever they want? Why would they think such a thing?

The answer: Free will without a fully developed brain!!!

A human’s brain is not fully developed until the age of 25. Did you hear that…a human brain is not fully developed until we turn TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD!!! At around the age of 2 to 3 years of age, children develop a sense of personal control over physical skills and a sense of independence. Success lead to feelings of autonomy with positive emotions and failure results in feelings of shame and doubt. If you don’t allow your children to have any control and take it all away, the result are negative behaviors you will pay for dearly!

Because control was taken away from me as a young child, you would think I would understand better the importance of allowing your kids to have some control in their life. The exact opposite is true for most people in situations similar to mine. Because PTSD hard wires your brain the NEED to control for survival, I was unsure how to allow my kids any kind of autonomy. I believed kids should just DO whatever you tell them to do because you are the parent and parents demand respect. (It’s very humbling to admit this). When my kids would not do what I asked them to do or would not listen, I could stay calm the first and even the second time, but by the 3rd request, I was quick to anger. I was often irritable. And I didn’t know how to turn the request into a choice. I know that impacted my husband and children in a negative way. When I was met with opposition from my kids or my husband, I describe the feeling I had as an “automatic anger response”. And if anybody has ever experienced this, you understand what I mean. It was a physiological response that was hardwired into my brain and it could not be stopped on my own volition. I would feel my chest tighten, my heart would start racing, and I could feel a pulsing in my carotid artery. Quite literally, I would have an autonomic nervous system response to my trauma triggers.

Because of my “automatic anger response” my children started exhibiting behavioral problems. I now realize this was a result of the unpredictability of my behavior. I didn’t give my children space to make mistakes. I didn’t think of them as little humans with their own minds. I didn’t give them choices or give them an opportunity for any type of autonomy. I expected them to respect me and do what I say because I was their mom. I would get angry when they didn’t submit to me and sometimes punish them. I was met with defiance, explosive meltdowns & hitting to name a few.

But, by the GRACE of GOD, I have been healed and my “automatic anger response” has turned into an “automatic love response”. I have become a disciple (teaching in love just like Jesus) to them & my kids have changed dramatically!!!

I’ve discovered 2 REALLY IMPORTANT things about parenting that will forever change my life, my children’s lives and their children’s lives during my #healingmarathon. (The power of stopping generational trauma/anger and turning into generational LOVE!)

1. It is IMPERATIVE that you give your children the POWER TO CHOOSE so they can understand the power of free will.
2. You have to allow your children to FEEL TO HEAL. Children need to be given space to feel their emotions in a safe way to learn discernment over their feelings.

POWER TO CHOOSE

They need to understand the power they have been given by God, their heavenly father, the power of free will. The power to choose is the most powerful give God gave us. Free Will is what gives life and also takes life away, both in the worldly sense and the biblical sense. Someone could, based upon free will, decide to shoot someone, hence ending their life. The power to choose allowed Damien & I, by the grace of God, the power to choose having children and bring new life in the world. Free will is the reason I am able to accept the unconditional love of Jesus Christ, God with skin on, as my Lord & Savior promising me eternal life with no fear of death. Free will is the reason people choose to denounce God, therefore promising spiritual death. And free will gives us the power to love someone unconditionally, the most desired feeling for a human to experience as this is why God created free will. Unconditional love is a choice I am proud to say I am able to GIVE and FEEL daily! Our jobs as parents is to creatively give our children choices to lead them to making the best choice, allowing them feelings of success, autonomy, love, respect and wholeness.

USING CHOICES TO ENCOURAGE A DESIRED BEHAVIOR

We were in a serious battle with Parker, my youngest, about brushing his teeth. We used all sorts of tactics: bribery, scare tactics (cavities), consequences, etc. As I got deeper with God, the power of free will became a huge point of interest for me and I dove in head first with this concept. One day, I had my LIGHTBULB moment and saw my children through the eyes of Jesus. They are little humans who want to have the “power to choose”.

I decided to try giving Parker the choice of brushing his teeth. I first just asked him nicely to brush his teeth, and he said no. So I moved on to choices.

“Parker, you have 2 choices bud. Mommy has 2 hands. In this hand, I have a toothbrush and the cookies I usually put in your lunchbox. Today, mommy can’t put those cookies in your lunchbox because you are not brushing the sugar bugs off of your teeth. So, the other hand there is nothing. No toothbrush & no cookies. You can have the cookies but in order to get the cookies, you have to brush your teeth. They go together. This hand doesn’t have cookies or a toothbrush. Mommy can’t make you brush your teeth. It is ultimately your choice. And I don’t want to make you because mommy doesn’t like it when people make me do things either. But, if you don’t brush your teeth your consequences are stinky breath and no cookies. You wouldn’t be able to have the cookies because you can’t get the sugar bugs off without the toothbrush.”

Parker shouted he wanted the cookies. He was having an epic meltdown and cried for 15 minutes. He went to school and he had a terrible day that day. But, I never gave him the cookies. The next day, the same thing happened. Same meltdown. This day, his anger fit was more intense and he still chose not to brush his teeth before he left the house. He was sitting in his OWN stank and was trying to proclaim his control over me. I got what he was doing because it felt like what I wanted to do. I wanted to cry, kick and scream just like he did. But, because his brain is not fully developed and he doesn’t have control over his emotions, I had to exercise my emotional muscles, stay calm, love on him and tell him mommy loved him but he still couldn’t have the cookies, no matter how loud he screamed. I calmly reminded him that I love him and that when I can’t get what I want I’m very upset too. I told him it was okay to be mad and sad, but it is not ok to scream, kick and throw a tantrum because they will not work to get what he wants.

Damien took him to school that day. I had to take my screaming child to the car and strap him in…and before I shut the door I said, “Parker, mommy is going to give you a 2nd chance. I’m handing daddy the tooth brush and cookies. If you decide to brush your teeth on the way to school, daddy will put those cookies in your lunchbox. I love you!”

I’m happy to report, Parker brushed his teeth that day and he has brushed his teeth every day since without ANY opposition!

I’ve been super intentional about making every opportunity a teaching moment. (Praise Jesus and thank you for teachers because teaching is exhausting). They now have choices and the power to choose. And, if they make a choice that isn’t favorable, they are already aware of the consequence for that choice so they in turn “chose the consequence” eliminating my need to feel guilty. I now realize I was punishing them, and in turn feeling guilty for losing my temper. A punishment is something someone gives you but a consequence is something you choose.

My power struggles to try and MAKE my kids do what I want are a thing of the past. Now, don’t get me wrong. They are still kids and I still get upset. It’s not all rainbows and unicorns in the Sweeney house. But, when they do get upset, it doesn’t last as long. I validate their emotion and try and figure out what they need. They throw fits sometimes just like I wish I could from time to time. But I now realize their frontal lobes are not fully developed and they don’t have the life experience to know what is right & wrong all the time. And that’s where I come in to teach them in love and give them space to feel so all of those emotions don’t get trapped inside of them like they did in me.

FEEL TO HEAL

A study published in the Proceedings of National Academy of Sciences reported there are 27 human emotions! Because my emotional maturity was stunted at a very young and I wasn’t allowed to emote or express my feelings in my house, the number one emotion I really felt was ANGER. Children who have experienced complex trauma often have difficulty identifying, expressing, and managing emotions, and may have limited language for feeling states. They often internalize and/or externalize stress reactions and as a result may experience significant depression, anxiety, or anger. Until recently, I didn’t understand that a lot of my anger was actually sadness & grief for my inner girl who was robbed of feeling unconditional love from my earthly father as a child. As a control freak, parenting kids who wanted to control ROCKED MY WORLD. I didn’t give my kids space to feel their emotions because I was never given my own space to feel. I didn’t know how to help them discern their own emotions. I tried to get them to STOP whatever they were feeling because that is what I was told as a young child.

A psychologist told me, it is OK to feel or to have the emotion, but it is not ok to exhibit a negative behavior as a result. For example, “Abigail, it is ok to be angry. It is not ok to yell at your kids.” Anger is just the feeling and instead of sitting with the anger and trying to figure out why I was angry, I would just yell. Kids are humans with emotions. Now, I realize it is my job to help my children discern their emotions…the good, the bad and the ugly. What comes through you must come out of you and if you do not allow your children to feel their emotions, they will get trapped inside of their brain and come out as anger, inadequacy, doubt, fear, etc. as an adult.

I’ve learned that the outward behavior is just the “tip of the iceberg” but what is below the surface is where we need to dig deep. Our emotional brain contains three parts:

1. Prefrontal cortex: Logical reasoning and thinking part of the brain (WISE OWL)
2. Limbic system: The “alarm system” and home of the amygdala, the emotional control center (BARKING DOG)
3. Brainstem: Part of the brain that responds to the limbic system alert signals with fight, flight, or freeze

When children are emotionally triggered, the wise owl, is scared by the barking dog. The amygdala overpowers the prefontal cortex and causes children to fight, flight or freeze. Challenging impulsive behaviors, like hitting, biting, etc, may exhibit because logic isn’t there to prevent the “reflexive” nature of the action. The limbic system and brainstem will take over, cortisol is then released into the body, and the child is gearing up for the threat. The problem? A threat doesn’t exist but cortisol tells the body it’s present and very real!

Children need the wise owl in order to exhibit appropriate behaviors. To bring the wise owl back, you will need to make them feel safe and help them to calm down. If you correct or redirect too soon, they may become even more upset because the emotional part of the brain is still activated and very much in control. The cortisol is still pulsing through their body and if you checked their pulse, you very well may be able to measure an increased heart rate. Take deep breaths, pause and give your children space to calm down. If your child is not safe for themselves or others, hold your child tightly in a bear hug. Explain to them, “I love you so much. But my #1 responsibility as a parent is to keep you and others around you safe. I have to hold you right now because you are not safe. Once you can calm down, I can let you go and we can talk about it”. Once you are both calm, you can have a conversation about healthier ways to communicate feelings & different strategies to make it easier.

In order to help my kids understand their feelings, I created this chart that was adapted using the 4 Zones of Regulation and emojis.

What are the 4 zones of regulation?

The Zones of Regulation is the original framework and curriculum (Kuypers, 2011) that develops awareness of feelings, energy and alertness levels while exploring a variety of tools and strategies for regulation, prosocial skills, self-care, and overall wellness.  This curriculum provides us an easy way to think and talk about how we feel on the inside and sort these  feelings into four colored Zones, all of which are expected in life.  Once we understand our feelings and zones, we can learn to use tools/strategies to manage our different Zones in order to meet goals like doing schoolwork or other tasks, managing big feelings, and healthy relationships with others. The simple, common language and visual structure of The Zones of Regulation helps make the complex skill of regulation more concrete for learners and those who support them.

http://www.zonesofregulation.com

I made this chart after a recent incident involving one of my sons. One of the boys kicked another son and hurt him. I was upset he hurt his brother and said, “Son, that was not nice for you to kick your brother. You really hurt him. You should apologize and ask your brother if there is anything you can do to help him feel better”. The son who did the kicking got very angry and started yelling and becoming aggressive. I asked him to tell me why he was angry. He just kept yelling & then he threw something. I responded with this:

“It’s ok, mommy loves you. It’s ok to be angry but it is not ok to kick someone or throw things. Mommy wants to help but you have to tell me why you are angry. It’s important to feel but we cannot hurt people. Mommy has to hold you right now to keep you safe. Just tell me why you are angry. What is going on inside of your body? Can you tell mommy?”

It seemed like every time I said “It’s ok to be angry” it would just elicit more anger. I was getting really discouraged because my gentle approach with love wasn’t working. Then, the holy spirit spoke to me and said “Abigail…maybe he isn’t angry!” So I said, “Buddy, what kind of emoji are you? Are you happy, sad, mad, etc?” He still couldn’t answer. I then remembered the zones of regulation that a psychologist taught me which I had taught the boys months ago but never used regularly. I asked him what color emoji he thought he was. He finally answered and said, “Mommy, I’m a blue emoji!”

Success!!! Ok, a blue emoji, now I have something to work with. He finally was able to express he was sad. He was sad because he was playing with his brother and he really didn’t mean to hurt him. He wasn’t angry and didn’t kick him in frustration. He said he was just playing, so when he hurt him he felt “bad & sad” because it wasn’t his intention. The power of the colors and emojis helped unlock the emotion for him. He was able to communicate how he felt!!! He walked away feeling empowered and so did I! The whole episode lasted 10 minutes…but it could have lasted longer…and could have ended in defeat. By the grace of God, it ended in victory with mom and son both feeling peace. I felt peace for how I handled it and didn’t carry any guilt. I also felt empowered! He walked away feeling peaceful because he was able to discern his emotion, communicate how he really felt and got the yucky emotions out of his sweet little body! He also felt empowered to have the space and the tools to communicate how he felt.

Giving my children “the power to choose” and the space to feel and discern their emotions has made a HUGE impact in our daily lives. My children are more peaceful, more joyful, more open, more curious, more playful, more loving and more dependent on me. The dependence is completely welcome and very appropriate at their age! I was, without realizing it, trying to make them more independent than they should be. I was instilling the same lies in their heads that were planted in my head at a young age that made me crave independence and complete control! So, where some may say my kids are too needy of me now, I say they are just the perfect kind of needy to me!!! And just like I need Jesus my father to help guide me, I know Jesus has given me the tools to help my kids rely on me in the way they should. Praise Him for these provisions and for my #healingmarathon. Remember, #nobodyrunsalone because Jesus is right beside you, sometimes carrying you, through each leg of the race!