The Healing Marathon

I know my mom is a huge part of my “Healing Marathon”. I know my mom was sent to my dad to bring him closer to Jesus. I know without my mom leaving my dad, my dad would not have stopped drinking and would not have found Jesus. I know if I didn’t spend time with my dad in his sobriety, go to church with my dad, and have the opportunity to love on my dad during this time, I would not have been able to forgive my dad for the trauma he imposed on my life. And forgiveness is a huge step on “The Healing Marathon”. It is also not lost on me that I am writing this post on my dad’s 10 year sober birthday – a time in which I believe he was reborn.

I realize now, after lots of therapy, anxiety medicine to help slow down my brain so I could think more clearly, and being in God’s word, that my childhood trauma was caused by the fact that my dad decided to drown his sorrow, pain and hurt with alcohol. He was grumpy, mean, irritable, condescending, controlling and sometimes physically abusive. I couldn’t understand where this came from as a child, but now I understand it was my dad’s trauma from his past that he never processed. Even though he abused his wife and children, I know he believed in God, loved God and I know God loved him. I know this as an absolute truth, because my dad and I attended church together regularly after his sober birthday, February 4, 2012, 10 year from today. And, it was so clear when we together in the Lord’s house, that he was moved by the Holy Spirit. Every Sunday, when we were at church together, my dad would cry out in thanksgiving to the Lord. He would cry tears of sadness immediately followed by tears of joy. I have experienced those same tears recently. The tears of sadness for the people you have hurt due to your sinful actions followed by tears of joy knowing that the Lord has forgiven you because you are truly sorry. And the tears come like a waterfall at times…like right now as I’m writing this entry.

In the beginning of my “Healing Marathon”, I was struggling spiritually. I believed in God and wanted to believe in his promises. But I struggled to reconcile some of the feelings in my head left from the imprints of trauma. I felt like my dad’s “Healing Marathon” got cut short. He passed away suddenly in 2015 when I was pregnant with my beautiful twin boys that are now 6 years old. I was completely devastated when my dad passed away. Here I was, an adult pregnant with her first 2 children, teleported to feeling like a child and grieving the loss of her “daddy” she so desperately wanted to know. I never really had a “father/daughter” relationship with my dad and so desperately wanted that feeling. I only got to experience the start of a relationship with my dad for the 3 years of his sobriety before he passed away. His sudden death left me with a harsh realization that I would never get to ask him all the questions I thought I desperately needed the answers to in order to heal. I would never get to experience joy with him in adulthood. And what complicated my spiritual journey was what came after he passed.

Because my dad passed away suddenly with no will, my siblings, mom and I had to rummage through his things to piece things together to figure out how to grant his final wishes. Did he want to be buried or cremated? How do we manage his affairs? Does he have outstanding bills that need to be paid? What are his logins? How do we access this? And the list goes on. The sudden timing of my dad’s death made us private investigators trying to piece together how to tidy up the affairs of his life on earth. And, he didn’t know we would have to do that. He would have been embarrased with some of the things we found. Here is this man, who is on his road to recovery, going to church every Sunday, claiming to love the Lord, but he is still clearly sinning? In response to my questions I used to ask myself, I now know the following thing to be true; my dad loved Jesus and I know he accepted God as his Lord & Savior. Ultimately, he was still a sinner and didn’t have the time some of us are afforded to get our lives together.

So, on his road to recovery, on his “Healing Marathon” did my dad still sin? OF COURSE! Did he have a constant battle between his earthly sinful desires vs. his accepting God’s promise to us? Yes! The thing about recovery that is misunderstood – recovery is a LIFE LONG journey. You are not really recovered from your earthly desires & sins until you die and atone for your sins.

And all of this healing, insight, and top down view of my life would not have been possible without my mom. My mom saved my dad, which led to me being saved!

My mom & dad were married for over 30 years so she knew him better than anyone. He was an alcoholic my entire existence until his sober birthday, 10 years ago today. My mom ultimately knew my dad needed to hit rock bottom to get better and he wouldn’t hit rock bottom if they were still married. She had tried to leave with us before to show my dad “she was serious”. We would stay with friends. My dad would promise to change and we would come back. Then he would slip back into this old ways again. When I was a junior in high school, an altercation occurred between my dad & I, and my dad was subsequently arrested. My dad was court ordered not to drink and he couldn’t be around me for 6 weeks. Things seemed like they had improved and that he had changed. But, slowly over time, he slipped back into his old ways until he was completely out of control.

Based upon his past behaviors, my mom knew my dad would never hit rock bottom if she was there because he relied on her to pick up the pieces. My mom unselfishly divorced my dad so that he could get better. My siblings and I had to also create boundaries with our dad as well. We told dad we would support him and have a relationship with him in sobriety, but we would not allow him to be a part of our lives if he continued to drink. We would NEVER have set this boundary had my mom not left him. We would never have said these things to my dad if he was still married to my mom, even if there were separated, because it meant that we would be turning our backs on our mom. She was our glue. She was love. She was safe. She was our everything.

I now realize my mom was just loving my dad like Jesus calls us to love people. She had compassion for my dad and really could see beyond the trauma, see beyond the alcohol, see beyond the harsh words. She could see my dad was just a scared boy who was programmed to believe that love was conditional. He was programmed to believe that if you make a mistake, that mistake defines you. He was programmed to believe that you have to keep a tally of the things people have done to you so you can justify your actions or inactions. I know my mom knew that my dad would never be able to really experience the love of Jesus until he hit rock bottom. And when he hit rock bottom, he cried out to Jesus. He was ready for His transformation. God didn’t have long to transform my dad – only 3 years and a few months. My dad still sinned after accepting Jesus in his life. He still made mistakes. But he was still on his own journey to healing from his past trauma, a journey that lasts a lifetime.

I know how difficult it must be for my mom because she never got to experience any of my dad’s sobriety. She wasn’t there to see these miraculous moments unfold on his road to recovery. She never got to hear my dad say these words which I know he is saying now in heaven so that my mom can also heal:

“I’m so sorry Patty. I am so sorry for the pain I caused you and the kids. I never got to tell you how much I love and appreciate you before I died. Thank you for being such a ROCK for our family. Thank you for helping our kids build a strong foundation and for showing them love in the ways I didn’t know how. Thank you for showing them compassion for me so that one day our kids can forgive me. You saved me! You saved me so that I may know and understand a love as strong as God’s love for me. Thank you for loving me enough to let go of your dream of us growing old together. My time was coming short when you made the bold, loving and necessary decision to leave me. Neither one of us knew it then. When you & the kids left, I realized I lost the things that were most important to me. I was truly broken and Jesus started using my brokenness to build me back up. I still struggled. I still struggled with addiction, just not of alcohol, and I was still a sinner. I really wanted to do good, be good and make a difference. And I know Jesus saw that and knew my heart. I know God sent your current husband, Billy, to fulfill the desires of your heart that you wished I could have given you when we were married. I know you wish you could have been a part of my transformation and I know you feel angry & hurt that I didn’t do it sooner. It had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. I wanted to. I wanted to so bad. But I just didn’t know how to communicate to you how I was feeling in my brain, my heart and my body. I never really understand I was so heavily impacted by the trauma of my past and I just thought I was a bad person unworthy of love. So, I turned my thoughts into actions and took out my hurt, anger and frustration on you and the kids. I am so sorry you and the kids were on the receiving end of my horrible actions. I am so sorry that my actions have caused you and our kids trauma. It was not intentional. It was never your fault. It was never the kids fault. I never processed my pain, emotional hurt or anger from my past trauma so it was locked in my brain and was being rained down on you and the kids in harsh words and physical abuse. The drinking helped ease the anxiety, depression and irritability I was feeling. But, when I wasn’t drinking, I was hungover just dreaming about my next drink to ease the pain and hurt I was feeling. The alcohol numbed the pain. And I was also so plagued with guilt. The guilt I had knowing I wanted to be better for you all but did not know how. You deserved better. The kids deserved better. So, I say to you. I am sorry! I am sorry for the pain & trauma I have caused you. And thank you for loving me enough to let me go and thank you for not hating me. I will of course always love you because of your heart, the unconditional love you showed me, and for giving me the precious gift of our 4 children.”

The trauma I experienced was because my dad experienced trauma too…but he didn’t have someone like my mom that loved him through it all to show him he was worthy of love growing up. You see my mom was that for me growing up. My mom was for me what my dad needed when he was a child. But his heart was too hardened from the lack of unconditional love he felt as a child. He didn’t know how to receive or accept the unconditional love of my mom.

My mom showed me I deserved to be loved. I deserved happiness. I deserved to have a voice. I deserved greatness. But nobody told that to my dad as a child. Good has prevailed with me because the words my mom planted in me as a child, spoken from Jesus through her, have now rooted in me and are growing daily.

Recently, my mom told me sometimes being around me is hard because I remind her of my dad. But not my dad in his alcoholic rages or hungover grumpiness, I reminded her of a version of my dad she knew he could become. I know how hard this must have been for my mom to speak her truth knowing it could hurt me. But, it actually has helped me heal because ironically, or really divinely, my dad said similar words to be before he passed away that came full circle for me. Before my dad passed away, we were out to breakfast one Sunday after church at a restaurant called KTs and I asked him, “Why me dad? Why did you single me out and often times direct your hurtful actions towards me. I felt like your whipping boy.” My dad said, with honestly, hurt in his voice but with conviction, “Abigail, you remind me so much of me. And you are the version of me I wanted to be but didn’t know how to get there. So I lashed out at you and it was symbolic of me lashing out at myself for not being who I desperately wanted to be”. By both of them saying these things to me…it was validation that I am good, I am worthy, I have risen above my circumstances and become someone that both my mom & dad are proud of, just difficult to accept because it was something my dad so desperately wanted for himself and something my mom s desperately wanted for my dad & for herself. And of course, my siblings are all AMAZING!!! They too have unbelievable qualities that make my mom & dad both extremely proud. But, my personality, of all the kids, most mirrors my dad. The qualities that make me “unapologetically Abigail” are qualities that people loved about my dad: silly, gregarious, laughs from your toes, doesn’t meet a stranger, passionate, driven, etc.

And if you’re reading this and you’re not a Follower, you may be saying, “Because she is successful, did well in school, seems to have her stuff together, she becomes the whipping boy. She endures trauma. That’s not fair. Why would God let this happen?”

My response to you is this:

“You’re right…it wasn’t fair. But, Jesus isn’t about fair and that is where “Free Will” comes into the discussion. My dad had the free will to drink and behave in the ways that he did, and because of that I suffered trauma. And for my dad, his parents had the free will to treat their children like they did when they were younger, so he suffered the trauma. I have identified I suffered trauma, admitted I was powerless over it (it hadn’t nothing to do with me), and will use my suffering to help others so that they can experience the peace, understanding and love that I know to be true now. It was part my cross to bare as Jesus promises his followers suffering, but I will use my suffering to lead others to Jesus, when they are ready.”

On my “Healing Marathon”, I have so much more clarity about my journey and how I got here. And a big reason I am here right now, writing this blog post, is because of my mom. My mom, despite her suffering and the trauma she endured, she was still able to show me and my siblings unconditional love. Her love has helped me better understand the love Jesus has for us.

My mom helped stopped the cycle of trauma by loving my dad and her children like Jesus calls us to love others. My siblings and I suffered less trauma than my dad did in childhood and my mom gave us unconditional love beyond all understanding. So, we knew there was a different way. And because my mom taught me there was a different way, I am able to stop the trauma cycle with my kids. So, thank you mom! Because of you and your love, you have helped to stop trauma for generations to come!